Thursday, September 30, 2010

Thursday Portrait and A Little Laugh


"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
He offered these kind words, "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40.
Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today - - -

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
Popcorn has always been microwaved.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard, "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel ," or "de plane, Boss, de plane."
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Deaf Interpreter My Humps

Dear lady and gentleman , may I present the incredible Ms. Pam Parham, stolen from somebody on Fbook.... fabulous!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Thursday Portrait

I got a big haircut.

I also dyed my hair fuschia.
Hey, I ain't no grey haired ol' lady, nevah!

Have A Lovely Day


Saturday, September 11, 2010




Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Thursday Portrait

Mr Ratburn was chasing me around with the camera the other day, and it turns out the lighting was just fabulous. I just totally love this green grass in the middle of fall. Actually, everything is pretty dry and brown around here by now, but this is a well tended and well used championship soccer football field!

Whadd'ya know? I'm outstanding in my field again!

Have A Lovely Day!

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Standing In The Alpha Beta Parking Lot...

I was listening to Cake this morning, which got me thinking, how many people actually even know what "standing in the Alpha Beta parking lot" is all about? Now, I don't mean the Cake song, I mean what is an Alpha Beta anyway?

Alpha Beta was a chain of California supermarkets started by Albert and Hugh Gerrard. Alpha Beta began as a system of organizing the groceries in the store in alphabetical order.
Ok, I don't remember the condoms being in the same aisle as the carrots and cookies, but hey, if it worked for them....

Alpha Beta was the place to get ice cream, bananas, and kittens from the Honduran family who would always sell them outside of the market in a cardboard box.

My absolutely favorite memory of Alpha Beta was driving by this sign at night. During the daytime, that sign was as drab and rundown as the rest of my so cal town, but at night, it was glowy, psychedelic and animated. I thought it was just about the coolest thing we had going on!
The Alpha Beta was also right across the street from my elementary school, so I suppose further imbedded it into my brain. (the one I went to 4th and 5th grade in anyway, I went to 7 schools between K-12, but thats another story)
Did you know there is even a Facebook page for former Alpha Beta employees? WOW!
Alpha Beta Grocery Store (Facebook)

This Alpha Beta was in La Habra, CA

This one was in Costa Mesa. It's easy to tell where the stores were located in the pics, because they put the town name on the front of each store. This one says Harbor, but So Cal locals know what they really meant, Costa Mesa.
So of course Alpha Beta was bought out by Lucky/Albertson/Lucky but that doesnt mean anything to you since you shop at the AM/PM or Piggly Wigglys, right?
By the way, before I go, the silliest name for a grocery store is not Piggly Wiggly! It is a store in BC Canada called Overwaitea! Now, I couldn't help notice the massive sizes of cookies, cakes, pies, sodas, breads etc, sorta like Costco....hence the name OVERWAITEA?
That's not the real reason, here is the real reason.
Have a Lovely Day!