Tuesday, January 30, 2007

An Adventure of Barb E.Queue and Drag Queen Ken Ken

Since Ken Ken ran off with that Stay Cee girl I haven't had much to do except climb fruit bowls while doing my best Houses of the Holy imitation..."...I felt the coldness of my winter....I never thought..... it would ever go..woo ohhhh...!"

Fear not, Barb my love! I am here! And, I have done away with that evil harlot Stay Cee. See for yourself, Barb E, she is forever entombed in an unpenetrable (uhh....is that a word?) silver sac.

Oh Ken Ken, I cannot believe we are going to be together forever! I am so happy...sigh....

Deep, I know.....but hey, I was just cleaning out Little Ritas room when I came across this pair, and while I do have work to do.....heh, please biggy to see the fancy nose and foot piercings and even..sniff....i'm so proud.....Black Flag bars on Barb E Queue's thigh! Go Little Rita, Go!

Monday, January 29, 2007

What Some Appliances Will Do For Attention.....

When Little Rita was born, she came 8 weeks early and without warning....talk about not being ready! We had barely bought her a crib when she came into this world. She was just a tiny little 3 pound baby, and had to stay in the hospital for a month.
One of the things you have to do when your kid is in the hospital is PUMP! And Im not talking about iron here! Breast milk...and then freeze it so you can bring it into the hospital and...well you get the picture....
So what does all this have to do with that picture up there? Well, during all this breast pumping/milk freezing/neonatal experience, we realized our freezer was in desperate need of defrosting.....the walls of ice quickly closing in on our precious mothers milk supply.
We decided to go the quick route to rid ourselves of the evil ice....the hammer and knife routine....
OK, in a word.....Freon....bright green, spraying out all over the milk, the ice, me, Ratburn....dead refridgerator, kid in hospital.....postpartum mom...spells major major postpartum freakout! Major! Enough said....
So, we had to go out and buy a fridge, a big, ugly, energy sucking used fridge, because well, do you have any idea how much a new fridge costs? We didnt!
Sooo....fast forward to ten years later...as you know, Little Rita is now a tall, healthy 10 year old, so lets not worry about that preemie thing and her month in the hospital...... BUT
WTF is the deal with that fridge up there?
Wellllll, one of the other things that comes with parenthood is that you get to have one million teeny tiny toys all over your house! So after looking at this ugly fridge for 10 years, Mr Ratburn and I got out the hot glue gun, and the Bushmills......and voila!
And here we have Little Rita, owner of one million tiny toys, posing with our crazy fridge! Have a lovely day everyone! (Click picture to check out all the tiny things in biggy form!)

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Ride the Tiger.......

Hope you will all enjoy more India pictures, all taken by Karen.
Yes! Yes! I did get to ride an elephant while in Mysore at the Maharaja's palace! If you biggy the pic, you can see how much fun we are all having. Even the men are smiling. Hey, it's not everyday that you get to ride an elephant with three handsome Indian men, isn't it?

Here I am in Hotel Hell...you remember that place in Agra, right? I won't tell you what I am doing because that would be rude....but this picture was taken in the moments of realizing that we were trapped in this filthy room for the night, and we were just goofing off, trying to make the best of the situation!

This is Rahul, who came from Kashmir and started a henna tattoo business in Delhi when he was 15. Now, he has about 10 employees working for him, that he has trained. His henna work is just fantastic, and while I sat there, people kept coming by for bookings for doing henna at weddings. Next year, Rahul, who is now 26, will marry his sweetheart, Monica. When I told him Monica is not an Indian name, he told me that there is a Bollywood song about a girl called Monica, and then he sang it for me. Too cute!

This man is making paint brushes, and was explaining to me the procedure. The picture was taken after I had the henna done, and had rubbed off most of the dried henna paste. You can see the designs are still very light on my hands and arms. The designs take a couple of hours to darken up. I know I havent shown the pictures of the finished designs yet.....working on getting those up here, but Karen has em still......oh and yes, if you are lucky, you can find an icey cold coke in Delhi, like I have! This one was a special treat, so cold that it had a slushy top. Delicious!

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

Friday, January 26, 2007

55Flash Fiction Friday

ZZZZZZ! Hey! What? What's that noise? It's just 7 am, I'm sleeping here!

Hey! Im not even real and you woke me up too!

Oy vey, can't a guy get a decent rest around here? I was up all night diggin through dumpsters for a respectable snack. I need my beauty sleep, now scram!

I love 55 Fridays!

OK I did it! Today I needed a little help from my animal friends, hope you dont mind! Let me know if you wrote a 55 today, and, all together now, for the cuties......AWWWWWWW!!!!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Home Girl HNT

As you all know, December was a wild month for me, with all that traveling and what not, and, I usually do pretty well with germs and illnesses in India, but this year, forget about it! You name it, I got it this time, and that really took it out of me!
So, while I love being in India, and love life on the road, I thought this week I would show you all what I have really been doing since I got back to home sweet home!

Hanging out in my fuzzy robe and broken glasses, blogging with you all, and sleeping!

At the end of my month in India, I told Karen what I really wanted more than anything was to be asleep on my couch at home. Little did I know that I would soon be spending an entire week with the flu, getting to sleep on my couch much more than I ever imagined possible!

Dontcha worry, I'm all better now!

Happy HNT Everyone!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Ok That Was Just About Enough Of That....

In India, you often have to pay to use the toilet. This woman is a toilet wallah on the Delhi-Agra Highway. Ok, I don't know if they are really called toilet wallahs...but.....anyway thats what she does. I just thought she looked so pretty sitting there behind the bougainvillieas and coleus...but you know, those toilet ladies can be pretty mean spirited! I once gave a five rupeee coin to a woman working in this very same restaurant bathroom, and do you know she threw that coin across the courtyard in disgust! I guess it just wasn't enough of a tip for her handing me a tiny crunchy piece of paper towel and turning the water on and off for me. (Now, how they make those crispy, noisy, waxy "paper" napkins is another story entirely....) Sorreee madam, next time I will toss crores, sheesh!

See you all later for HNT! Have a lovely day.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Monday, January 22, 2007

Do Not Try This At Home!

Part of me wanted to try this....the other part won. Ah well, something to look forward to this December! Perhaps Lime will come with me and be daring enough to try this out with me!

This is Christina, who was born on Christmas day. She owns the internet place that we frequented while in staying in Colva Beach. Hello, Christina! Get your motor running! This could be you and me next year, Logo! :D

You can't tell, but there are at least 5,000 people on this beach right now.

This is Simon, a nice English bloke we met in Goa. He was visiting India for the first time with his parents, Chris and Jeff, who live 6 months out of the year in a campground in Italy, Wow!

Have a Wonderful week, bloggy peeps!

Friday, January 19, 2007

55Flash Fiction Friday

oh india
why when we are together
do i often treat you like a favourite whore
ancient doorway
hating you a little
and when we are apart
I want you like my lover
far away, forbidden
frustrating mystery
silken flower
vibrant chaotic beauty that is my India
why is there never enough of you

Let me know if you play too! Thank you to Lime for hosting 55 while I was away. Have a lovely weekend everyone.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

India HNT (but of course!)

I am back in California but I chose these two shots for HNT this week because they are both taken of me in Bangalore, doing what I do best...shopping! May I present two of my favourite families that I shop with while in India.

I just chose this picture because my ass looks hot in it! Haha! No seriously, here I am at one of my favourite textile places in Bangalore. Here we have son, Suraubh, and father, Ramesh, wheeling and dealing with me for my dupioni's. These guys are pretty tough, let me tell you, but I always manage to do some pretty serious bargaining as my annual visit to Khadi Bandar! Aacha, betas!

Renu and Suresh have this little stall on MG Road in Bangalore, where they sell bags, pillow covers, dupattas and pashminas, and other cool stuff that their family makes. They are so cute, they have been together since Renu was 14 and Suresh, 15 or 16. They have three kids, the oldest is already 20 or something! I have been hanging out with Renu and spending my rupees since 2002. Here I pretend to be a worker. Sometimes people actually believe me when I try this.
Ok and not another word about the red tshirts ok! I brought four tshirts with me to India. Two out of four were red..so the odds are pretty good here....I do have other clothes, I swear it...
Happy HNT to all of you, and I can't wait to get over to your blog and see whatcha got!

Whats that Mister Ratburn up to?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Osho - the Fuck lecture

OK now this is funny! Sorry if you don't like it. If it's too annoying you can always scroll down for some more fun India pictures. Have a lovely day!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Thanks for the Hospet-ality!

I took these three pictures one right after the other, within two or three buildings. How could so much be happening in one little space of time?

There's always time to pose for a photo in Hospet!

And this is what I thought about being on the train in Karnataka! Hah! Little did I know, that I was about to spend the entire night in the train bathroom...

Thursday, January 11, 2007

More Stuff For You...

Mangalore 12/06

Bangalore 12/06

Hampi 12/06

"School pens, madam!" Chamundi Hills, Mysore (photo by Karen)

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Remembering Things Agro!

Taking in the serenity of the Taj Mahal with 5,000 other people at sunset!
(The lighting at sunset is amazing, and changing every second!)

Help! Get me out of this flea bag hotel!
If this is a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach, am I now gonna have to eat it?
"Yes for just rs.300 you can have these two AA batteries, madam!"
Ok you know I wanted to tell him what he could do with his $7.oo batteries, but I needed them! Did I ever get revenge when I told the Russians to offer less than half for the sarees he was selling them, which they did...hehe, next time I want the batteries for rs. 20 sir!

Little pigs at Agra

Did Someone Order a Camel?

The other 999 Camels are on the way, Logo...

Monday, January 08, 2007

She Thinks My Camel's Sexy!

Old Goa


Hello everybody, I am back. I am not feeling well and have tremendous jetlag. I thought I would just post a few of my own pics every day until I get more human. I will let you know when I post a picture of Karens, or if it is a stolen one. Karen took that picture of me on the beach with my camera. Otherwise, these pictures are all mine, betas! Hope all is well in blogland and I will try to get over and visit very soon!

I am really happy to be home, but this picture was taken in Goa about ten days ago. I can hardly wait to get back there, I just loved it. I spent a lot of time lying by the pool, reading. Notice what's so weird about this picture is it looks like I have been added into the shot later, but I was really there, I swear it!

Hard to believe that a camel can carry that much stuff at once. It's animal feed, by the way. Come to think of it, we saw a lot of broken down camel carts along the highway. You'd think they'd ease up on that load a bit, isn't it?

Delhi~Agra Highway * Some people are such flirts!

Sunset in Goa

Saturday, January 06, 2007

California, didn't I warn you, I'd be seeing you...

This picture will not move down the page where I want it so you will have to enjoy it here! Taken in Pahar Ganj, but not by me!
Pahar Ganj, Main Bazaar

OK this is my last night in Delhi and I am off to the airport at 10 pm. What a ride, people!
Last night we had to convince the travel desk guys to go out and get us some whiskey because we are staying at the Y and they dont have alcohol here. So Karen and I got pretty smashed in our room while packing, what fun!
Today Karen and I went to Pahar Ganj, a very funky Indian neighborhood in Delhi...walked around, got henna tattoos, bought some tiffin boxes, and some other trinkets, and I kid you not, Karen and I are as poor as street beggars right now! No more rupees, madam!
I am so happy to be coming home because I am tired! And, my pants are dirty and falling off. And I couldnt wash them cuz its cold in Delhi and I didnt have any other warm pants. I have been wearing these jeans for 5 days...will be 7 by the time I get home so if you see a dirty hippie chick in SFO, it's just me! Dont worry I clean up well!
Thank you all for coming to India with me! It's been fun to share it with blogland, and thank you to all who called MR Ratburn for me and got him online!
See you stateside!
Love Susie

Thursday, January 04, 2007


Cheeseburger with lettuce tomatoes and mustard, american cheese, with french fries.....
Diet Coke...
Romaine salad with ccucumbers, carrots, and feta....
Ice cubes....
Pepperoni pizza with chilies....
Sourdough bread with turkey and muenster cheese, mustard and lettuce, please.....

Oh man, I am so hungry! When I get back to California, I am going to eat like a pig! Speaking of which, I sorta felt like a pig last night when I saw the room that I was staying in in Agra. "Presidential Suite, AC Deluxe" it said on the door...HAHAHAHA! Dont make me laugh! OK I have been in a lot of hotels in India, and I have learned to expect freezing cold showers, warm beverages, and traffic noise all night long, But nothing has ever come close to the pig stye we stayed in last night. Much to our horror, the room came complete with its own set of filthy towels, grungy bed sheets, and its very own mosquito and fly colony! Furthermore, the bathroom window didnt close and I was sure some naughty little hotel boy was watching me shower.....
Uh wait, did I say shower? More like, squat on my knees under a waist high tap with semi warmish water trickling out. Ok then, Karen and I were freezing our buns off, keeping all of our clothes on while attempting to sleep in this hell hole. To amuse ourselves, we made monster shadow hand puppets on the ceiling as we dictated into her MP3 recorder our night of horror. Funny thing, when you are in hell, how hard you will try to make it all better.
Then I have to confess, earlier on our trip, Karen and I started flinging cookies at each other, just to be silly, and that evolved into toast flinging. Last night, I flung a piece of stale toast at Karen, hitting her square in the mouth, causing a fat lip! I didnt mean it really! You are probably wondering, why carry around stale toast, why fling it at each other? Hey, we have been in India together nearly a month, and we are getting a little batty!
Besides, if you were as hungry as I am, you would carry around stale toast too!
Next time I will eat it instead of flinging it at Karen.
Ok I am forgetting to tell you that we went to the Taj Mahal yesterday! Sorry, sometimes survival events surpass even the Taj Mahal! Ok ok no problem madam, I am getting there. We started out our day in Delhi by being picked up by our hired taxi driver, who took us on quite an adventure on the Delhi\Agra Highway....five hours of passing camels, bicycle rickshaws, villagers, pigs, buffalo and cows! Hold on, what a wild ride!
Anyway, went to Taj Mahal just in time for sunset and my camera batteries died. Also the four FRESH batteries that I had in Bangalore turned out to be completely worthless so there I was at the Taj with NO camera.
Good thing Karen had her fancy camera with her! I managed to coax a couple of nice sunset pictures outa my camera and then we headed out of there..but wait, theres more! We had the esteemed privelege of getting to come back to the Taj for a full moonlight viewing! How did we do that you ask? Tiger Paw.com betas! In India, it definitely is who you know! This moonlight viewing was so awesome, even without camera, but first, we were fully frisked, not once, not twice, but three times, crotch included, then escorted into the Taj Mahal by way too many armed security guards. I probably woulda cried about this camera situation, but you know what? Just about everyone in there was having difficulty getting a shot with their fancier than thou cameras.
Not so for Karen...she soooo got some cool shots which will appear on this blog when I get back, betas!
Ok sooo that esteemedness lasted but a mere 30 minutes when we were then escorted again by armed security guards back out of the Taj, where we walked back to our fleabag hotelhell, and climbed up to the MOUND to watch the moon rise and take more pictures.
Ok its time to rat out this hotel! If you are ever in AGRA do NOT stay at the Taj Khema, I said DO NOT! But the one and only thing they have going for themselves is the MOUND, the best view of the Taj Mahal from outside of the gates, bar none! We also got some wonderful sunrise pics from said mound, but not til after paying 300 rupees for two AA batteries...that's $7.00 for you non desis, yaar!
Ok but I forgot to tell you about going across the street to the incredibly overpriced sareee shop and hanging out with some lovely Russian people (run run russians!) No seriously, these were nice, and not drunk at all.....
Ok soooo the men in the place were whipping sarees across the floor as only a saree wallah can do, but I didnt like the sound they were making at all...NO NO NO these are NOT silk sarees, they are making the wrong sounds! (Trust me, I know this stuff) Then I noticed that the men did not know how to wrap a saree and it was time for Susie to step in. I wrapped up that beautiful Russian woman like a pro, while 15 people stood and watched and applauded and cheered! Man, I loved that! I was so proud.
One man told me, "I think you want to be Indian" And I said "sometimes yes I do!" So I stepped out onto the front porch to take a saree wrapping break and had a chat with the Russian husband, telling him, those sarees are not silk and do NOT pay what he is asking. We discussed prices and he went in and skillfully bartered, getting three sarees for little over the price they had originally asked for ONE! Well done, sir!
Ok anyway.....this should be all about the Taj Mahal...but it's more about the fresh hell we found ourselves in, and if you want more, please go to Karens blog and read her take on the day from hell.
We have just two more days here in Delhi, and I have some serious shopping to do... remember my post about Dilli Haat? It's time to pay a visit! Also have to get to a music store for something for the Ratburn.
Ok i'm out, but first, can I have a bite of that what you are eating there? I'm starving!

Monday, January 01, 2007

Holy Macaroni Batman!

Happy New Year everyone! I am going to tell you about last night.....you will think I am exaggerating, but I am not.
Now see, Goa becomes an insane asylime (heh) this time of year, so the streets and beaches are filled with cops. The streets become packed with partying people and it just gets crazier and crazier until it is just not safe out there.
So, our hotel has a party every year around the pool, and we decided this was our best option. We had met a very nice English couple and their son, Simon, and so we invited them to join us at our lonely table. You know how it is when you get to a party, where you dont know anyone, and you scan the room desperately looking for someone to talk to....so when Simon and his parents came down to the party, we snatched them right up and brought them to our table. We had a wonderful buffet style Indian dinner...was so delicious...and the funniest thing was that they had arranged a bunch of banana stalks and leaves in the center of the table, standing up, and toothpicked giants prawns all over it for our dining enjoyment. No no not me...I never eat seafood! But I did enjoy this lovely vision, the Prawn Tree!
Ok so thankfully the alcohol began flowing and people started to have a little fun. Now the center of attention was this group of young Russian women, dressed in all sorts of Saturday Night Feverish slinkies...can you say GAUDY? But at least, they kicked off the dancing, and someone always has to be first right?
Now I drank so much whiskey last night that I just can't believe it! I think it's the most I have ever drank in one night....too fun! One of the fun things about this party was that all the boys and waiters and hotel managers joined us for the dancing and fun! And, you have to understand, men outnumbered women about 15-1...was I a dancing queen? You betcha!
I don't know what it was, but maybe it was my quick little dancing self, I was not groped pinched or otherwise the entire night...my poor madam Karen was not so fortunate.....I told her, "dance faster madam!" LOL
So at one point, and I kid you not, I am dancing with 15 Indian boys and one married Indian lady while her husband watched. It was totally fun, and like I said, keep moving madam, keep moving! How many times can a barefoot little mistress be spun around a dance floor before the room spins? I lost count!
Now that was just insane!
At some point in the evening, we misplaced the key for the cabinet that we had locked our valuables in in our room. We began a serious discussion on hacksaw aquisition, since key did not turn up. However, in the course of the night, we had returned to us, two pieces of jewelry that had fallen off of us during the mad dancing frenzy!
OK then at midnight, we were given giant Indian sparklers for the women only. Now I will tell you this, and dont you ever forget it, dont ever play with giant Indian sparklers while you are bare footed! I've got blisters to prove this....not to mention the fact that a spark landed in my hair, and I kid you not, I was hopping around on burned little feet, while at same time, trying to put out the fire in my hair...You think Im kidding dont you? Go ask Karen......she saw it all....I have more than one witness to this hair fire should you still not believe me! (OK but I have lots of hair so you can hardly notice the singed scalp! :P)
After the hair fire I danced some more! Crazy drunk Indian waiters swirling around doing their best Bollywood dance moves.
I think it is safe to say, that Karen and I were simply the life of the party! How can you go to a party and sit there all night on your ass? No you simply cannot!
Ok then, slowly slowly people started leaving the party until there was but a handful of us left.
Simon and Karen and I were going to venture out into the streets when an English couple told us of the groping and pinching and robbing going on out there...absolute madness. They practically begged us not to go...so we stayed, out came the vodka...and always, not far behind the vodka came two very very drunk Russian young ladies.
Out came Karens mothering instincts as she started making them drink lots of water. They were so drunk they were blabbering in Russian to us, although the onyl Russian word I know is VODKA!
Then I became the mom too, as these girls clothes were literally falling off. Now how many times have you Lime, or you Logo, or Snavs, seen a young girl in their low cut jeans with their butt hanging out and wanted to go over and pull up their pants? I lost count a long time ago on that one, but last night, I finally had to do that! Besides pulling up their teeny minskirts for them, we also had to remind them that they were showing their down unders as well, thank goodness they were not doing the Brittney last night! I think we also might have had to pull one of their tops up a few times, and her assets were clearly visible. Funny how you become all protective of vulnerable young women when you get in that position.
Anyway, we attempted to chat with them, but it was just impossible. Simon, Karen and I just sat back and watched them blabber on, while administering waters.
I guess it was about 4 am when we decided to call it quits, and felt we must walk these two Russian girls to their rooms. So the semi sober trio of Karen Susie and Simon got these girls into their rooms safelty, or so we thought.
On the way up to the room, I saw a very drunk Indian man sitting in his room with his door open, his key dangling from the lock, clearly he was unaware of anything other than his spinning head. So, being in mother mode, I took the key out and brought it into his room, handed it to him, and told him to lock his door, which I then shut behind me. I'll betcha he didnt lock it..as his 45 degree lean showed me he was clearly not all there at that point!
OK so we get to our room, and start frantically looking for the other copy of the lost key, which we thought surely was locked inside the locked closet. But hurray, I had not locked it in, it was in my backpack by the TV! Yay! Inside cabinet we found madam Karens very fancy camera safe and sound..and all was well, but then we heard screaming from the Russian girls rooms down the hall.
Mother Mode! Karen, lets go! And we ran down the hallway to their room and it sounded like they were having a cat fight! So, we pounded on the door until they let us in...and out came the drunker of the two, wrapped only in a bedsheet, still totally wasted and slumped in the hallway screaming stuff in Russian that only her friend understood. Of course a naked little Russian girl in the hallway at 4:30 am caused quite a scene, and soon half the hotel staff was there as well. But you know, we felt we needed to handle this, because imagine if these two girls had gotten arrested by Indian cops, or tossed out of the hotel in the middle of the night with drunk crazy people wandering the streets. Karen and I stayed with them and tried to find the drunk one some clothes, all she had was that little minskirt and tiny top so she was better off in the sheet.
SO we got em back into the room, and went to our room, and the screaming started again.
Mother Mode! Karen, let's go again! This time I brought one of my tshirts to put on the drunk Russian girl but she was locked in the bathroom screaming.
We told them, stay in your room and dont come out and lock the door, but apparently the really drunk one tried to leave a few times in the night and thankfully our hotel security guards talked her into staying until it became light out. I seriously dont think she would have made it had she gone out into that drunken crowd in that little outfit...
Ok whew! Still with me?
So then, there's this empty field by our hotel where kids play cricket, and it had become a parking lot for the night.....now there were thousands of people with no hotel rooms just sleeping in their cars, or playing cards on a mat on the ground, or just chatting while waiting for daybreak. The moon was setting over the Arabian Sea as we watched more crazy madness from our balcony. FInally we fell asleep near 5 am, only to be awakened by the workers downstairs at 7:30 am, loading a truck with chairs and tables from the party. Oh lucky me, the truck parked right below my balcony, so I guess 2 1/2 hours of sleep was all I was gonna get last night..erm this morning.
It really happened folks, Im not making it up. I just wanna know one thing? Who drank all my whiskey? I'm sure it wasn't me!

Happy New Year to all of you, and especially to my Little Rita and Mister Ratburn!
We have one more day and night in Goa and then we are off to Delhi, Agra and the Taj Mahal!