Stuff Portrait Friday

I decided to stick with stuff that's lying around where it shouldn't be because, I never keep stuff thats broken, and, I never buy food that I don't eat.....so, here comes stuff lying around in the wrong place, starting with, the bra on the kitchen table.....see, last night in wood shop (ar ar ar), I was learning how to turn wood on the lathe, and, as everyone knows, that wood flies all over the place, including down your shirt. Why did I wear a tanktop last night? Wasn't long before my bra was filled with redwood chips! Anyway, as my pal and lathe teacher, Annie shielded me from the watchful eyes of the rest of the class, I did the "pull the bra out through the sleeves trick", shook out the wood chips, and then stuffed the bra in my pocket. When I got home, I just tossed it on the kitchen table, while my husband looked on with a "what the hell is your bra doing in your pocket?" look. As you can see, my table is full of stuff that doesn't belong there, so, the bra fit right in!

HAPPY HNT!!!

Hah! Bet you all thought I was going to post my bare feet!!! Happy HNT!!!!!

One Womans Tale of Woe

This came from my cousin. I dont know if this happened to her, or what, but, Im sticking to shaving, thank you!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises ofeasy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair andnow...the wax.My night began as anyother normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. Ithen had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the nextfew hours: " Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax " kits.No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enoughto figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out.Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbingthem together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heatit to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"yeah...right!) I lay the strip acrossmy thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so itwasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hairremoval no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward bodyhair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip Imove north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom,for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties andplace one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the waxstrip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right halfof my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes,it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!I 'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MYGOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed topull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stayconscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back tonormal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that hascaused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want torevel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up thestrip!There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? SlowlyI ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair.The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive partof my body, whichis now covered in cold wax and matted hair.Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to dosomething. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming ofa cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walkaround the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself" Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off! " Whatcan I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll runthe hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse thewax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotterthan that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgicalequipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your netherregions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued tothe bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way,doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub asthough I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the manwho had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in thebathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed beforeand has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very goodconversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to thebottom of the tub! "There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removalbut she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to knowexactly where the wax is located, " Are we talking cheeks or hole orwho-ha? " She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give herthe rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. Whilewe go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off witha razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies coveredin hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and thendry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to needPost-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is stilltalking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion theygive you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose atthis point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of myfriend.It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! " Iget a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. Isuccessfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to mygrief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OFIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Look What The Cat Dragged In

OK, I do have just one thing to say..what the hell is that thing? I mean, aren't mice supposed to be about 1 inch long?

I went into the 7-11 gas station the other day and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.


After spending $300. on gas last month, for two small economy cars...I say bring on the gas jokes!!!

Thanks, Arrrriellla, for the new gas jokes!

Ariella said...
"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." —Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas." —Jay Leno

"How many have seen 'March of the Penguins'?...You know why they're marching? They can't afford gas." --Jay Leno

Here are more:


"How many went to the beach this weekend? How many went to the mountains? How many just piled in the family car, sat in the driveway, and pretended you could actually afford gas to go somewhere?" --Jay Leno


"Gas is so expensive now, today I saw Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds carrying their cars." --Jay Leno

"The average price of gas is now $2.11 a gallon, and here in California, it’s $2.30 a gallon. Here in L.A., it is literally cheaper to buy a new car than to fill your gas tank. Literally. Oprah tried to give away a car to someone in her studio audience today, and the woman spit in her face." --Jimmy Kimmel

Sareeee!!!

There once was a man from Bombay
Who just didnt know what to say
When the girl from next door
Caught her saree in the door
And unraveled her dress all the way!

...and I'm OK......

I'm a lumberjack
and I'm OK I sleep all night and I work all day.
He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea
He cut down trees, he eat his lunch He go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he go shopping and has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars?!
He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees, I wear high heels Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels?!
Suspenders...and a bra?!
...He's a lumberjack and he's OK........

Ok, you get the picture....see, I have this stubborn willow tree growing right next to my yurt, (note in photo)...it fell down once, and grew back all spindly.....I dont like how some of the main trunks are leaning precariously toward Yurt I..(more on Yurt II later)...so, I decided to chop them down. I have a saw that I bought over 20 years ago, and it's never been sharpened.....(note unclean cut on trunk photo)...so the lovely Joy and I decided we'd hack it down with that old saw and a ...whatdayacallit type saw that lumberjacks use.....now you've all seen that commerical where the guy saws down a giant tree and it falls on his car? Not going to happen here, folks!
Joy, who's got more muscles than any other woman I know, shimmies up into the tree and ties a rope to the trunk whos life we are after. Sawing and sawing and sawing.....Long story short, two sweaty women, one felled tree.....(see victim in photo above)
I'm supposed to be sewing....but hey, gotta protect the yurt! I'm buying a chainsaw!

A Catty Moment

I was driving into town today when I saw a sign for "indian imports sale"...being an Indiaphile myself, I took the detour....there I found a young woman having a little garage sale featuring Indian hippie wear, jewelry and masks. We chatted about India, and she had been there 6 months, etc.
I have to admit, while chatting her up, pretending to be interested in her stuff, which of course you all know that I can get in India myself so why would I be nuts enough to pay 60 for a silk wrap skirt that probably cost her 40 rupees....($1.00)....I was actually just checking out the competition.
I told her about my thing...and that I make custom clothing out of Indian textiles and sarees. We talked about shipping, how outrageous it is....etc....then she asked me if I would do some sewing for her of some dress designs she has in mind. I said, "so, you have some textiles too? Can I see them?" She told me that she had two sarees...she also told me she was "flat broke".
Anyway, I told her that I really couldnt sew for her since I am her competition.
At that point, she got all huffy with me......and walked away. Hey, I was being really nice, and I thought we were enjoying talking about India and all that.......but you tell me, how could I work for a woman that is "flat broke", and only has two sarees to work with? Sheesh! Besides, she was half my age, and really cute, and got to go to India for six months when I can only go for three weeks at a time, so why would I want to help her? Meeyooowwwwww!

Isn't My Brother Lucky?

For my brother's 43rd birthday, he asked me for a new quilt, since the one I made him 16 years ago is pretty raggedy at this point. His birthday was March 4th.....so this is a bit belated! Happy Birthday, Broham!!

Double Arghhh!

Many Tiny, Painful Things

Arghhhhhh....so now that we finally have our own bedroom after sharing for 9 years with our daughter, I am trying to clean her room and make it all pretty for her.....ok, I lied, I am trying to clear a pathway so I can walk through the room without causing severe lacerations or puncture wounds!
There is one problem..no wait! There are many, many, miniscule problems!!!

Here is a partial list:
75-100 tiny little glass stones, pretty but painful to step on
50 elastic hair bands of assorted colors and styles
30 strings of assorted beads, many of them sharp
200 tiny Barbie, and Bratz doll accesories, such as a one inch high phone and tiny doll shoes
50 stuffed animals that bite!
10 naked Barbies
6 footless Bratz dolls, all naked, two with coiffures styled and dyed with Koolaid by Hannah
2 dozen assorted markers, pencils and crayons
Wads of empty gum and candy wrappers
12 pushpins, lying points up

Ok you get the picture, I estimate there are approximately 500,000 items smaller than a crouton in that room......HELP!!!!!! Where did she get all that stuff? And, even more important, what am I going to do with it all? (See above photos for sample of miniature hell!)

Oaty's the boss of my desk!

Blog Abandoned!

I've been accused of neglecting my blog! Well, after seeing my friend's blogs, I think mine has been appropriately abandoned! So, let me ask you, what is it you wanna see? Here's a list of my new things:

New Yurt, the spaceship II has landed
New kitty, the other one died!
New woodshop projects?
New bra? (just kidding)
My website that I've had for two years, with about 25 hits!! acckkk!!
(That's easy) www.globaltextilegallery.com (and no, you can't buy anything offa my site, it's just for showoffs! Email me if you want custom made stuff!)


Obviously my blog is like my mind, and my life, aimless and wandering, void of wit and humor like those blogs of my colleagues.....

This dog wants her own blog 

Try Saying

To all employees:It has been brought to the managements attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to the complaints received from some employees who may easily be offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of " TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

Instead of saying:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
Try saying
Perhaps I can work late.

Instead of saying
No fucking way
Try saying
I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead of saying
You've got to be shitting me!
Try saying
Really?

Instead of saying
Tell someone who gives a shit.
Try saying
Perhaps you should check with...

Instead of saying
Ask me if I give a shit.
Try saying
Of course I'm concerned.

Instead of saying
It's not my fucking problem.
Try saying
I wasn't involved.

Instead of saying
What the fuck?
Try saying
That's interesting.

Instead of saying
This shit won't work.
Try saying
I'm not sure that this can be implemented.

Instead of saying
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
Try saying
I'll try to schedule that.

Instead of saying
Who the hell cares?
Try saying
Are you sure this is a problem?

Instead of saying
He's got his head up his ass.
Try saying
He's not familiar with the issues.

Instead of saying
Eat shit and die.
Try saying
Excuse me, sir?

Instead of saying
Kiss my ass.
Try saying
So you weren't happy with it?

Instead of saying
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
Try saying
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

Instead of saying
Shove it up your ass.
Try saying
I don't think you understand.

Instead of saying
This job sucks.
Try saying
I love a challenge.

Instead of saying
Who the hell died and made you boss?
Try saying
You want me to take care of that?

Instead of saying
Blow me!
Try saying
I see

Instead of saying
Another fucking meeting!
Try saying
Yes, we really should discuss it.

Instead of saying
I really don't give a shit.
Try saying
I don't think this will be a problem.

Instead of saying
He's a prick
Try saying
He's somewhat insensitive

Instead of saying
She's a ball-busting bitch.
Try saying
She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead of saying
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Try saying
I think you could use more training.

.

Barefoot working hard in India 

A pretty cool picture of a saucy Indian lady and her mom...oh, that other person? Not sure but looks like she hasnt slept in days and is suffering an allergic reaction to coconuts. 

Bossing people around at a textile shop in India 

Cubicle questionnaire

I do not, nor, have I ever worked in a cubicle.
What is it like?
What sort of cool stuff do you have on your desk?
Are you allowed to put rock posters n stuff on your walls?
Are you taller than the walls of your cubicle?
Do you get away with naughty stuff, such as, sex in your cubicle?
Is the trash can of your cubicle stuffed with fast food wrappers n such?
Do you play trivia madness while in your cubicle?
What is it that you do in the cubicle?
Do you have a dartboard with the bosses face on it?
Do you have one of those acrylic floor things so the chair can slide around easily?
Do you twirl in your chair?
Do you have state of the art staplers, paper clips and such?
Do you have at least one pen with a fuzzy head and googly eyes?

Happy Birthday to Me HNT 12/2007

Ok, I lied about my age....but since you found the half naked me,

47's not half bad.....

Happy HNT and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!